In every human relationship, individuals commonly excuse their failure to carry through with their responsibilities by accusing the other party of their failures. In the case of husbands and wives, spiritual leaders commonly hear complaints from those who know the Bible that she is not submissive or he does not love her. Another complaint is that she does not respect me and she responds, “But, he’s not respectable.” This kind of response is typical when problems exist. Each knows enough information from the Bible to use it against the other. Focusing on the other’s failures instead of their own solves nothing because no positive change or improvement can be made. Agitation, irritation, and frustration escalate between the two as each expects the other person to change and the more they dwell on each other in this negative way, the more they are convinced that they will never change. At some point, the snowball effect makes the slightest infraction look larger than it would be, otherwise.
The solution to this problem is the same action that would have prevented the process of deterioration. Amazingly, it is so simple but requires a focus on oneself, a humble assessment of oneself, and a willingness to acknowledge sin, and/or offer a simple apology for any human imperfection. This is the first step in almost any relationship, instead of defending ourselves and finding fault with others.
The second step, which is no less important, is to refuse to judge others or magnify the faults of others but focus on improving ourselves. The Scriptures that deal with each in a marriage relationship is not designed for each to preach to the other about their failure. When Paul wrote in Ephesians 5 to men to love their wives, he addressed the men. It wasn’t written for the women to use against him. When he wrote to the women to see that they show respect or submit to their husbands, it wasn’t written for the husband to use against her, either. He is to love and cherish her, whether or not she does what she is supposed to do. It is not conditioned on her actions. Likewise, she is to respect and submit to her as her head. It makes no difference whether she thinks he is deserving or that he must prove any right to respect. Ideally, each would be performing as God commands despite their imperfections and both communicate their efforts, struggles and desires to obey the will of God.
As far as I am concerned, I have an obligation to fulfill the role given to me by God. Granted that some wives may make it difficult, I cannot excuse my behavior on another’s failure. However, this offers another factor to consider if we are trying to please God. It is simply this: love would make every effort to help and support each other to do what pleases God. We do not want to hinder them or increase the difficulty of doing the will of God by finding fault, accusing each other, or blaming the other for their problems. We must accept personal accountability to focus on the only thing we can change — ourselves.